This week has been draining me emotionally. I've broken down, cried, questioned and prayed, and to be quite honest, not always happy prayers. I came home the other day from the project and laid down. My feet could barely hold me up. If you know me well, you know I don't nap. Personally, I think it's a waste of time. I laid in my bed, just for 5 minutes to get my strength together and do the finances, the reason I had come home in the first place. I told the ladies and the kids I'd be back in a bit, and to call if they needed anything....I woke up 2 hours later. I stood up, and almost fell backwards. I was more than just tired, I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically exhausted. My feet hurt to walk on. My head hurt to think. And my heart felt like it would burst.
This past week I had been dealing with several abandonment cases, abortion case, working with a social worker and visiting a 5 day old baby who's 12 year old mother had no family and no place to go.
Tuesday, a friend from church came to the project asking if I had an apparatus for a breathing machine. After the language barrier took a tole on a new word for this piece of medical equipment, I finally figured it out. She explained it was for a lady with cancer and asked again if I had it. I didn't. The next day she died.
Wednesday, Gabriela, 7 year old at the project (dealing with severe psychological issues and feeling less than) tried to hurt another little girl, a little more than your typical child fights. Her mother didn't want to believe it and got angry saying I (we) didn't love her child. My heart hurt. How could I not love this precious little girl? Her father (no longer in the picture) once told her she was not his child. She is scarred. She remembers it, even today. Her mother had to give her up for a year (a year ago) because at that point in time she had just given birth and didn't have the means to provide. Gaby went to live with extended family members who abused her emotionally and physically. They hit her, punished her, said bad words to her. For an entire year she didn't know love. For an entire year she was taught everything but love. Her mother, in her eyes, had given up on her, her new caretakers didn't want her. Now, we're dealing with the consequences. We've done nothing but feed Gaby, bathe Gaby, teach Gaby, clothe Gaby, and she thinks we don't love her? I couldn't understand it.
I was upset that God would bring me this far, for this? He knows my heart, so why is this happening? Thursday Gabriela didn't arrive at the project, but her two younger sisters did. Gabriela was punished (more of my decision than the mothers). I could only hope the mother would go along with it.
Friday, Gabriela showed up, walked in the door with a big smile on her face and a big hug. I pulled her aside and we talked a bit. She didn't like staying with mom at work, she was bored. She wanted to be with us. The entire day I was in edge, keeping my eye on her, even recoding her at times to have proof if anything else were to happen again. It didn't. I was relieved. I told her I was pleased with her behavior and I loved her. I can only pray this will last.
I closed up the project and headed over to Sunflower House, a new orphanage by Scott and Susan Ledford, to meet their first little girl, Genesis, 7 years old. I gave her a big hug, stayed a while and headed home.
I pulled the car in, got into my house and the phone rings. A mother calls saying her daughter has signs of appendicitis and she can't tolerate the pain. I turn back around, pull the car back out, arrive at the house and do the "tests". Lift her leg, press and release on her stomach, she shrieks from the pain. So we head to the hospital. Once at the emergency room, we wait in line. Literally, wait in line until the doctor can see us. Three hours later we see the doctor, tests are done, and concludes it's a throat infeccion. I could scream.
As I stood there with her, my hand on her stomach, I thought of just how bad I wanted to be home. Friday's are new episodes of Shark Tank, one of the few shows in English I love to watch. I looked at her tear swelled eyes and thought just how selfish I was. How could I be thinking of myself at a time like this? The Lord would never. I was ashamed. I leaned over this sweet soul, told her I loved her and we would be out shortly.
Sometimes, the Lord takes us out of our comfort, takes away our plans, and gives us new ones. To remind us that He is in control, not us. I was reminded of Gaby. Gaby needed that same reminder. To be told she was loved, and to regain her faith in us again. Last night I was tired. The thought of spending hours on end at a hospital that might not even give her what she needs, was daunting. But I knew there was no choice. I was the one the Lord placed in their life to help at this time. As a faithful servant, I went. Because I knew the Lord had already planned my Friday night, and Shark Tank was not it. It was much better. I was lucky enough to be the one called to hold that 7 year olds hand while she waited in pain to be seen.
Thank you God, because you know much better than I do.
My heart still hurts. There is pain behind every smile. There are 35 hugs waiting for me every morning. I hug them and say buenos días , even though just walking to the door sometimes takes my breath away from my exhaustion. But each hug and "Hola Tia" gives me just a little bit more strength. I am grateful. So very grateful.
We've been open for 3 months, and I know the hardest is not behind us, but I trust that through each block in the road, is a just another way the Lord is trying to get our attention and say, "I am in control and I love you"
